The Pickup

I was surfing the Web the other night, trying to glean internet info on the angelic holy ones.

Heavenly beings.

Typing in the innocuous and benign keywords: "good angels" or whatever I typed into my laptop, I clicked on some website title in the first-page Google listing which brought up a screen full of naked-young-women photos, but before I could painfully force myself to quickly click the X box in the upper right-hand corner of my monitor screen to exit before erected ejaculation, a pop-up appeared in the lower right-hand corner, which read: "You need an AuxMate - that's for darn sure. Your choice is waiting for you, and it's free. Click Here."

How could I resist?

I clicked into it just for curiosity, and another pop-up appeared which said: "Gotta find out who you want. Let's chat. It's free."

"Kinky," I figured. "Why not?" I thought.

The writing appeared: "I am Mate Provider, or MP - for short. You are Mate Receiver, or MR - for short. I want to find out what kind of a mate you want, so that the mate of your choice will show up at an exact day and time in the parking lot of the nearest McDonald's restaurant in your current location, get into your car, and the two of you can depart for some remotely-located outdoor biffy or unisex lavatory to engage in some type of newly-married foreplay or more."

"Sounds like a plan," I deduced. "Go for it, MP" I typed back. "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil," I added, plus: "Let not fornication nor porno-impurity be even suggested among you, as is fitting among saints" per Ephesians 5:3. I don't know what the wife will think about all this, though."

MP: "Never mind the wife; be discreet - as polygamous Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, Elkanah, David, Solomon, and many more were. And look at the Israeli tribes who were produced, most of whom were even mentioned in the New Testament book of Revelation chapter 7 and maybe 14.

I have four available: A whitey, or Caucasian, named Megan. A darkie, or Negro, named Jemima - and I abhor using the replacement words "black" or "afro-american." A chink, or Asian, named Chin. And a castrated transsexual combo, by the name of Kenneth. Who would you like more info about?"

MR: "Kenneth? Heck, that sounds like a dog," I typed. "How would a dog ever make it into my car at the McDonald's restaurant, MP? Do you know how expensive dogfood is at Walmart these days? And to walk the dog twice a day out in the slippery bitter cold so it can piss and poop wherever it wants and I have to pick the crap up then pack it into a baggie? Besides, if it and I ever got divorced, how would the bones be sorted out by some administrative judge? I really have to know if the transgendered whatever has a penis or it has a vagina. That, and not it, is important to me."

MP: "You have something against doing homosodomy with dogs?" MP replied. "Are you bigoted, biased, or prejudiced against canines? Intolerantly engaged in anti-diversity discrimination?"

MR: "Only when they sharply or continuously bark. More wag, less bark, you know. Homosodomy can only be done among same-gendered humans, and has nothing to do with heterosexual human connections, no matter what age the participants. Are you bigoted, biased, and prejudiced against bumblebees?"

MP: "A point well taken. Leviticus 20:13 instructs ISIS or whoever to behead homosodomites who as Romans 1:24-26 says unnaturally lie as males together, with First Corinthians 6:9-10 going on to state that effeminate and sodomites shall not inherit the kingdom of God. That leaves only AuxMate concubines Megan the honkey, Jemima the nigroid, and Chin the chink."

MR: "Tell me more."

MP: "Megan never wears lipstick, has no tattoos, no piercings - even no earrings, and never has any black nor red nor whatever fingernail nor toenail polish on. Jemima and Chin have various combinations of all of them. Who's best for you?"

MR: "That's a no-brainer, MP. Megan is my choice, being that Leviticus 19:28 states that you shall not make any cuttings in your flesh on account of the dead or tattoo any marks upon you: I am the LORD."

MP: "Gotcha."

MR: "What are their ages?"

MP: "Megan is 20, Jemima is 19, and Chin is 21."

MR: "According to Leviticus 27:3-5, adult age begins at 20. Megan is right for me."

MP: "Fine. Megan is Christian, Jemima is Muslim, and Chin is Buddhist? Who's your choice now?"

MR: "According to Second Corinthians 6:14, I as a Christian must mate with a Christian believer. Megan's the one."

MP: "OK. But Megan is a never-before-married virgin, Jemima is single but lesbian, and Chin says that she is a single mother of two kids rather than a divorcee with two kids. Who's best now?"

MR: "Megan is, being that Leviticus 21:14 states that a widow, or one divorced, or a woman who has been defiled, or a harlot, these he shall not marry; but he shall take to wife a virgin of his own people."

MR: "What are their weights?"

MP: "Megan is 120 lbs, Jemima is 180 lbs, and Chin is 165."

MR: "According to Ruth 2:14, Ruth did not pig out, but had food left over. Again, Megan's my choice."

MP: "Any preference for eye or hair color?"

MR: "I'm partial to Eurasian brunettes, not blondes nor redheads. And I go for the dark brown and not blue or grey or yellow-greenish eyes."

MP: "All three gals have brown eyes, and only Megan is a brunette."

MR: "Megan's the one."

MR: "What do they do for work?"

MP: "Megan works in a Christian daycare center for toddlers, Jemima is a part-time assembler working part-time for Ms magazine, and Chin does opium marketing while a pharmacist and is an active member of the National Organization of Women."

MR: "Megan sounds domestic," I wrote back, "and does not seem to be on some demonic crusade of feminist sexism as condemned by Isaiah 3:12, Nahum 3:13, First Corinthians 14:33-38 and First Timothy 2:11-15."

MP: "There's a bonus. Megan is desperate for any decent man, fulfilling the family-necessities-providing command of First Timothy 5:8 who fears and loves the Creator and His Beloved Son mentioned in Proverbs 30:4 to....very soon and her fulfill God's primal command in Genesis 1:28, 9:1, and 9:7 to: "Be fruitful and multiply" reiterated later on in the Bible with First Timothy 2:15 stating that a woman will be saved by bearing children instead of being deprived of full sensual pleasure by messy and inconvenient condoms or by committing and not performing abortion-homicide, and First Timothy 5:14 in the KJV not NIV urging younger women not widows to marry and bear children instead of being deprived of full sensual pleasure by messy and inconvenient condoms or by committing and not performing abortion-homicide.

Megan wants it bad, as did Tamar who according to Genesis 34:14 saw that Shelah had grown up but that she had not been given to him in marriage, causing her to prostitute and with gene-pool-closed stagnation impregnate herself with the elderly-senior Judah, who was too old and tired and not that youthfully attractive to Tamar to play with his kid of hers when the kid got older, and which increasingly-impotent-with-erectile-dysfunctioning Judah did not really want to go through all that diaper-and-baby-crying routine again which he had already gone through in his earlier years.

And Megan has pussy hair, and thus not shaven down at her crotch."

MR: "How do you know that?"

MP: "She told me that she has Ezekiel 16:7 qualifications relating to the secret parts mentioned in RSV's Isaiah 3:17, specifically at the mouth of the womb mentioned in RSV's Hosea 13:13."

MR: "Spot on."

MP: "Assuredly. I guess that Megan is the one for you. Meet her at McDonald's, not Arby's nor Wendy's nor Burger King nor KFC, on Monday afternoon at 3 pm sharp and do not be either late nor early. She will recognize your car with license plate number, non-obtrusively get into it, after which you two can fill out duplicate Concubine Certification Forms and commence activities in the outdoor biffy or unisex restroom of your choice. Type in the make and color of your car, plus the license plate number.

MR: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

MP: "What?"

MR: "What does she look like? How does she wear her hair: in a modest up-do or single back-of-head ponytail...or instead long and loose, as described in Numbers 5:18 of the RSV and NASB and Song of Solomon 7:5, also in the RSV or NASB?"

MP: "As it states in KJV's First Corinthians 11:14-16, Megan, as with the churches of God, non-contentiously does not regard her glorious loose long hair adequate for a public prayer shawl covering or veil. She always keeps it tied up when in general public view."

MR: "And pertaining to her year-round armwear, legwear, and footwear?"

MP: "Megan consistently wears long-sleeved and not multi-colored armwear described in RSV's and NASB's Second Samuel 13:18, legwear concordant with proper understanding of legs-baring-nakedness shame mentioned in Isaiah 47:1-4, and feet always covered with at least socks under sandals, congruent with Jeremiah 2:25 instructing human females to keep their feet from being unshod and their throats from thirst, instead of lustfully not lovingly kicking off their shoes and letting down their hair with strangers."

MR: "Great. My, all this sure beats the four-lettered word for excrement out of secular Obamanite sex education. Can you show me a full-length picture of her?"

MP: "The best I can do is show you a photo of her picture-I.D. Drivers License, and hopefully she was not born in Coast Province General Hospital in Mombasa Kenya as the dictator-in-chief-by-executive-orders was."

MR: "Do it."

MP: "Here it is."

MR: Wow! Cute! When it rains, it pours. My cup overfloweth."

MP: "Overflows" instead is sufficient. Type in your car make and model, plus license plate number."

MR: "OK......How's that?"

MP: "Received it. Be at that McDonald's exactly at 3 pm on the 23rd of this month.
Do NOT be late, nor early.